Operation: Helga
by Ranma-sensei
Summary: Something terrible happens forcing Helga to overthink her backing down from her confession. How will Arnold react? As always, characters belong to their respective owners, yadda, yadda, yadda.
1. Prologue: The Time Has Come

„Arnold, about what happened earlier..." Helga Pataki took a deep breath. „You know, on that rooftop."

„I thought this thing never happened?" Arnold gave her a half-smile.

„Heh... Well, you see..." She took a deep breath and plowed on: „It did, and I _do_ love you."

„Oh." Arnold looked on pensively, but then smiled. „I was hoping you'd say that, because I lo-"

„Hey, Pataki!"

Turning around, Helga was all but frozen by the sight of Nick Vermicelli pointing a gun at her.

„No!" She felt a shove and tumbled to the side...

BANG!

Helga watched in utter horror as Arnold flinched and collapsed when he took the bullet so obviously bearing _her _name.

„No! Arnold!" She all but flew to his side and cradled him in her lap. „You stupid man! Why did you have to do this!?"

„Sorry, Helga." Coughing, Arnold opened his eyes, a deep exhaustion showing in them. _'Please, no. Anybody, please...'_

Arnold coughed again. „I really am sorry that... that I... I c-" Suddenly, Helga's terror deepened at the fire in his eyes snuffing out.

_'No.'_

„No."

„ARNOOOOOLD!"

* * *

„Arnold!?"

Arnold Philip Shortman turned around from feeding the pigeons only to see Helga Pataki standing there on the roof of the Sunset Arms, in her pajamas and with her hair open. „Helga? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you rest considering the past two days? And why are you in yo-"

He didn't get to finish his sentence as she had unexpectedly lunged forward and gripped him in a bear-crushing hug.

„Helga, wh-" Arnold stopped cold when he felt warm dampness soak into his shirt. And was she... shaking?

Unsure what to do, the little boy continued to hold the girl in his arms, rubbing her back a little. And it seemed to work, because the quiet sobbing soon subsided, even though the tears were still flowing.

A little while later, he almost panicked when she suddenly went limp in his arms. _„What-?"_

„Oh, _Arnold_..." Helga cooed, her eyes closed.

The addressee raised an eyebrow, his panic forgotten. Then he sighed, a smile tugging at his mouth as he cradled her up in his arms. „You're quite a handful, Helga G. Pataki."

„Heh, well..." Helga mumbled, then snored a little, „You knew that _before_ you married me."

It was all Arnold could do not to drop her when she said that. _'She dreams about us... a-about us b-be-being married?'_ His smile returned a little, only a lot shyer. „Come on, let's get you to bed."

The blonde giggled, a sound Arnold had never heard her make before. „Alright, love."

Stumbling a little at those last words of the sleeping girl in his arms, Arnold walked over to the roof access, careful not to make any more sudden movements.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

„I'M ALIIIIVE!" *bumps head on chandelier*

Yeah, so this one's a compromise I agreed on with myself so I don't rip another OTP apart in the most gruesome way and _still_ get to kill one of them. The idea behind it is simply that when I see someone's soulmate killed or some such on TV (as I did on Desperate Housewives last week), I suddenly get the urge to kill a soulmate from one of the series I like. (Hey, in my defense: I killed Akane twice and it didn't affect me as much as this one did!) I'm just glad BSG doesn't have this effect on me, or there'd be corpes left and right. ^^°

Aaanyway... There are some more scenes for this story already finished, but I had the glorious idea of writing part of them in MS Word (dang PCs on the job) and it ruined the formatting in a way OpenOffice can't repair, so I have to retype all the new ones. Additionally I still need to figure out which episodes I consider to have happened _after_ The Movie, so I'm gonna be a little while (no, not the four years and counting as with _Insanity's End_, but sometimes there's a thing called writer's block that you can do absolutely nothing about - ask LordArchive!). I'd like to thank Azure129 for _Perfect Ten_, because it really showed me that April Fool's _can_ have happened after The Movie; I still need an explanation for my story, though...

Ja mata,  
らん


	2. Chapter 1: I mustn't run away

_'Mmm, smells like Arnold...'_ A slowly awakening Helga snuggled her pillow even closer.

_'Waitaminute!'_ Suddenly her eyes were wide open.

_'Blue wall.'_ She slowly turned onto her back... _'Skylight.'_ And turned over to her right side: _'Football-headed alarm clock.'_

„Oh boy."

* * *

**Operation: Helga**

**Chapter 1:**

**I mustn't run away**

* * *

„Morning, Helga." Looking like a deer in headlights, Helga watched Arnold just enter the room, _'His room.'_ walk over to his couch and pick up the blanket and pillow lying there. „Phoebe should be here soon."

„Uh... Huh?" The blond girl blinked uncomprehendingly.

Arnold gave her a look she couldn't quite place. „You... don't remember yesterday afternoon, do you?"

„No...?" _'Great, Helga. Always formulate your answer as a question. Just brilliant!'_ She scoffed. „I mean... No, I don't." Her brow furrowed. „Last thing I remember is-" All colour draining from her face, Helga quickly turned to face the wall again. _'You dying!'_ she finished silently, trying to fight back the tears.

„Well, anyway." Arnold's voice pulled her out of this frightening train of thought. „You were suddenly standing on our roof." _'And hugged me.'_ he tacked on silently. „And then you kind of collapsed." _'After crying yourself to sleep.'_ he again added mentally. „So, since you arrived here in your pajamas, I called your best friend Phoebe and asked her to bring some of your clothes over."

„Oh." Helga sat up and then spoke in a totally blank tone of voice: „Thanks, Arnold." Then her defensive side kicked in a little and she added: „I-I mean-"

„'Whatever floats your boat, Football Head.'" He gave her a wry grin. „I figured as much." And with that he exited his room, the linens under his arms.

Helga didn't know if to laugh, cry or squeal, she was feeling so many different emotions at the moment. Finally settling for a swoon, she let herself fall back flat against Arnold's bed. _'Arnold's bed...'_ Quickly coming out of her love-drunk state, though, a pensive look settled onto her features. _'But how did I get h-'_ Memories from the day before flooding her again, she blushed a dark crimson. _'I... I didn't. Did I? And...'_ she bit her lower lip. _'Why didn't he tell me?'_ She quickly shook her head and smiled, his question about the last afternoon coming to her mind again. _'Always the gentleman...'_ She crossed her arms behind her head and looked up at the skylight. „Well, nothing to do but wait!"

* * *

And indeed, twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door and Phoebe poked her head into the room. „Hi, Helga." she said timidly. „Are you... okay?"

„Oh, hi, Pheebs." Helga looked up from the board. „Yeah, well, at least I didn't sleepwalk here." She then moved a piece and chuckled. „Stalemate again. Ha! I might not be able to best you at this, Football Head, but I'm not gonna let you win this again!"

„Oh, come on, Helga!" complained a laughing Arnold. „How do you keep doing that?"

„I just do." Helga smirked. Then her expression softened quite a bit. „Could you... give us a minute?"

„Oh, yeah. Sure! Just tell me when you need me." Arnold stood up and started for the door.

„Oh, and Arnold?"

„Yes, Helga?" He stopped and turned around briefly.

„Thanks." Helga smiled sincerely.

„You're welcome." Arnold smiled right back, then turned back around and left.

„Um..." Phoebe approached her friend cautiously. „What-?"

„Oh, Pheebs, you wouldn't believe the half of it."

„Well, would you mind telling me anyway?"

Helga smiled. „Of course not." She motioned to the couch. „To tell the truth, I think I need your advice on some of those things."

„Oh... Okay." Phoebe sat down, looking as bashful as ever.

* * *

„...Yeah, and so then I woke up in Arnold's bed and he told me that he called you." Helga, now fully clothed and sporting her usual pigtails, shrugged her shoulders, but then blushed. „And he totally omitted me practically passing out in his arms."

„Wow, Helga, I..." Phoebe took off her glasses and polished them with the hem of her sweater. „I'd say this was quite an adventure."

„Which one?" Helga gave her a sardonic smile.

Phoebe giggled, but then cleared her throat, pushing her glasses up her nose again. „So..." she asked curiously, „And what did you want my advice on?"

The blonde beside her sighed in defeat. „Well, isn't it obvious? That..." She cringed, „_dream_... what does it mean?"

„Oh Helga." The black-haired girl smiled warmly at her. „I think you already know what it means; _and_ what you should do." She emphasized this last thing quite a bit.

„B-But I-I can't!" Helga blurted out in a near-panic.

„Helga..."

„NO, Phoebe! I just can't! What if he-" No, she didn't dare finish the sentence, let alone the _thought_.

Now it was Phoebe's turn to sigh. „Helga, your subconscious is trying to tell you that..." She took a breath, held it, and let it out, „if you don't tell Arnold now, you might never get the courage - or worse yet, the chance. Do you want that? Or is telling and then asking for a free pass to forget it all you want?" She studied her friend's features intently.

All the implications processing with her, a quite pale Helga stared off into space for a while. The she opened her mouth and said in a dull voice: „Well, I guess it's now or never, then."

„I'm afraid so." the Japanese-American girl said. „But Helga..." She looked her shyly in the eye. „I couldn't help but notice your last reaction; have you had similar dreams before?"

Her gaze snapping up and straight ahead, her best friend swallowed hard. „Um... no?" _'Oh, great. __Now__ she won't scrutinize you any further.'_ She sighed. „Maybe I... kind of did?" she offered.

„Then how come you didn't collapse in Arnold's arms any of those times?" Phoebe raised a curious eyebrow.

„Two things. Firstly, he's usually already in bed when I get here. And secondly: I hadn't been sleeping for two whole days, so I wasn't exactly in the right state of mind to stop climbing the fire escape when I saw him on the roof. Well, anyway..." She let out a breath, putting on a weak grin. „It can't be helped?"

„No, Helga, it would seem that it can't." Her best friend looked up shyly. „Well, since this is a private matter between you and you-know-who, I'll better be going." She stood up and started for the door.

„Oh, Phoebe?"

„I know: 'This whole thing never happened.'" Phoebe grinned. „Forgetti-"

„Actually..." Helga interrupted her, „I'm pretty sure this conversation _did_ happen and maybe will happen again in the future. But anyway..." She shook her head a little to clear it. „I wanted to say 'Thank you', Phoebe."

A warm smile came to her best friend's face. „Dooitashimashite." With that, she left the room.

* * *

KNOCK KNOCK

„Helga, can I come in?"

„Gosh, I don't know Head Boy - can you?" Helga rolled her eyes and gave a playful grin. „What do you _think_?"

„R-right. Sorry..." Arnold opened the door and shuffled in. „Just didn't want to walk in on you changi-"

Helga scoffed. „Oh, _please_."

„Well, you _are_ a girl. And..." He blushed and dug his foot into the carpet. „You're quite p-p-pr-pretty."

„Huh?" The blond girl gave him an incredulous look. _'Lapse of taste much?'_ She quickly started smiling a little nervously, though, and motioned for Arnold to take a seat. „M-Maybe we should talk."

Arnold sat down at his desk and turned to face her. „About what?"

„So dense..." Helga shook her head amusedly. Trying to harden her resolve, she then closed her eyes and took a few deep, calming breaths. „I th-think we should talk about this whole F-FTi thing."

Seeing how nervous she was, Arnold quickly forgot his own embarrassment and opted for a quick joke to lighten the mood: „I thought this thing never happened?" But instead of the half-smile coming to her lips... _'These perfect lips... Whoa, where did __that__ come from?'_ he suddenly saw her turn white as the wall. „Helga?"

„Uh, r-right, right." _Just... Just a coincidence. Calm down, Helga, old girl.'_ She took a breath and then managed a small smile. „Well, I for one am certain it did happen, but thanks for the free pass yesterday." Helga closed her eyes briefly and took another shuddery breath, then plowed on: „I love you, Arnold. That's how it is and that's how it's been for almost seven years." She blushed and averted her eyes.

„S-seven years!?" squeaked Arnold, totally in shock at this new development.

„Well, yeah." came Helga's quite matter of fact statement. „At least that's how far back I remember." She broke into a grin. „Although I _do_ remember something about a sandbox. But that's only a picture, nothing more." She sighed.

„That's... long." Arnold, still trying to grasp all that _plus_ what happened on the FTi rooftop, felt overwhelmed to say the least.

„Look..." Helga crossed her arms over her chest, though she was still smiling. „I know this is a lot to take in and I suppose you need time to think about it." She smirked. „I'm not Lila, I can wait."

„Oh ha ha, very funny." The football-headed boy was grinning, too, knowing now that the Sawyer girl had only been some random crush. Then a pensive look replaced the grin. „But yeah, I _will_ need time to think about all that."

„Thought so." Helga leaned back. „Maybe you could talk to Geraldo about it." she suggested.

„No way!" came Arnold's panicked response. „He's still giving me a hard time about Lila. I can't give him any more ammun-"

„Listen..." Helga silenced him by raising her hand. „He's your best friend, _and_ he's my best friend's boyfriend. He's bound to at least suspect something."

„Right." He still didn't look sold on the concept. „But..."

„Hey, he's _your_ best friend." The blonde girl slapped her knees and stood up. „But let me assure you: he _will_ find out, even if you don't tell him. Whether you risk it or just simply tell him is up to you." She then stretched a little. „Well, I suppose I've already exploited your hospitality enough as it is, my altruistic little love. Oh, but..." She turned to him again, surprisingly unfazed at his sudden blush. _'Heh, at least he doesn't seem to hate me.'_ „Listen, uh... I'll try to be a bit nicer to you in public, but still... Don't expect me to suddenly drop the whole act or something." Her expression turned apologetic and now it was her turn to dig a foot into the floor. „I'm just learning to handle _you_ of all people knowing my secret; I don't know how much more I could take right now."

„It's alright." Arnold gave her a warm smile. „I practically expected no departure from your 'act' come monday, but thanks."

„Thanks, Arnold." Her smile coming back, Helga nodded. „Well, I better leave you to your thoughts now." She grinned and gave him a wink. „Don't wanna knock you out with one of my spitballs because my confession kept you from going to sleep."

„Right." Arnold grinned now, too. „Bye, Helga."

„See ya, Football Head." With those parting words, she left.

Having stood up at her departure, Arnold all but collapsed on his couch as soon as the door closed. _'She called me __love__.'_ His mind was in turmoil. If she loved him, why hadn't he ever noticed? Was he really that dense? Had he been in denial? And if so, why? _'I mean, she __is__ a friend.'_ But did he like her that way? And anyway: _Could_ he like tough-as-nails Helga G. Pataki the same way she liked him? Granted, she could be sweet at times. _'So sweet...'_ He felt a goofy grin form on his face, but he just didn't care. Maybe... Maybe he _did_ feel something for her. He sighed. „Boy, girls are complicated."

„Thinkin' 'bout Lila again?"

„Gerald!" Arnold nearly jumped out of his skin. „Wh-... When did you get here? Aren't you a little early?"

„What are you talking about?" The tall-haired boy gave his best friend a look. „It's quarter past twelve. The game starts in half an hour."

„Twelve?" The other boy's jaw dropped. _'I've been lying here for two whole hours?'_

„Yeah, twelve." Gerald got a certain gleam in his eyes and crossed his arms. „So... Wanna tell me what this was about?"

„Oh, um..." Arnold nervously scratched the back of his head. „Nothing?"

Gerald gave him a look that said it all. „Yeah, right." Deciding then that there was no time for the razzing he could possibly give Arnold, he gestured with his head for the door. „Come on, we still need to buy snacks."

„Oh, uh, yeah." Not knowing how he got off the hook, Arnold decided to just go with it. „Well, let's go then."

Up on the roof, Helga (Hey, old habits die hard!) slapped a hand to her face. „Lead balloon." was all she said.

* * *

_Approximately two hours earlier..._

Closing the door to Arnold's attic room behind her, Helga let out the biggest swoon ever. _'He doesn't hate me! I told him the truth and he doesn't hate me!'_ She practically danced down the steps and into the hallway. _'Oh Arno-'_

„Oh, hi, young lady."

„Hi, Mister Hyunh!" Not realizing her mistake, our madly grinning blond heroine picked up her pace into a full-blown run down the second flight of stairs and out the door, down Vine Street and three more blocks, up her own stoop, into the house and up the stairway to her room, where she finally collapsed onto her bed, grabbed her pillow close and squealed into it.

„Oh, _Arnold_!" She sighed in delight. „You perfect little creature. You don't hate plain old me. Even if you decided you didn't love me, my darling, I could still die now and not regre-" She stopped cold, tears welling up in her eyes. _'No! Don't think about it! It was just a stupid dream!'_ Willing the tears away, Helga looked for something to occupy her mind with. Her eyes fell on her latest pink book, and an idea bloomed. _'Maybe I should...'_ Deciding that if she was telling Arnold her secret she should bloody tell him everything, the ten-year-old grabbed her ring binder block and her purple pen from the nightstand and started writing, filling page for page with confessions about hats, Cheese Festivals, parrots, dentists, even fake boyfriends (two times!) and certain school plays or Babewatch shootings.

„Helga! Lunch will be ready soon!" came Miriam's voice from downstairs.

„Great, mom! I'll be down in, uh... a few!" Helga sighed. _'Hey, she did stop drinking all those 'smoothies', after all. Can't hurt to be nice to her.'_ „I just gotta... run an errand."

„Okay!"

Carefully ripping out the letter she had just written, Helga then grabbed a few other things from her desk and left the room.

Back on her way to the boarding house, she was slowly getting second thoughts. _'Come on, Helga, you can do this.'_ „I can't." _'Yes, you can.'_ „What if he laughs at me?" _'He won't. Don't be so paranoid.'_ „I can't just give it to him." _'Then sneak into his room and place it on his desk or something.'_ „...Yeah, that'll do." Set on her course of action, a grin started forming on her lips.

Arriving on the Sunset Arms rooftop a few minutes later, Helga raised part of her brow. „Did he even move since I left? Crimeny, this'll take forever!" Just as she was turning to go and maybe come back later...

„Gerald!"

Intrigued, she turned back to face the skylight. Down in his room, Arnold was obviously surprised to see his best friend and... frantically waving his arms in front of himself. „Head Boy, just tell him..." Frustration started to settle in. „Hell, for all I know Tall Hair Boy could have figured it out this past Valentine's Day." She blushed at the reminder of that evening, but quickly started scowling at her love's spazzing down below her. „For Pete's sake, Football Head, stop digging this hole and come clean!" It was all she could do to keep herself from screaming this last frustrated sentence.

Finally Arnold, looking surprised, _'So he's let him off the hook, huh?'_ followed Gerald out of the room. Helga slapped a hand to her face. „Lead balloon." She sighed and proceeded to open the skylight pane over her beloved's bed.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

UPDATE: Oh, for the love of... I shoulda known the spellcheck not finding a thing was too good to be true.

So, that's all for now. Don't know when I'll get to writing the next chapter, but I hope it's no longer than a week or two.

Regarding the timeline, there's two more things to say. First: This chapter takes place on March 21st, 1998 (a saturday). For convenience I assumed that the school was closed down the week before the bulldozers started to roll. _And_ I am assuming Helga's birthday to be March 26th, just like Francesca's (only that Helga's three years younger than her VA XD).

And second: since there are lots of paradoxes timeline-wise popping up in every other episode (Arnold acting intrigued by Helga in one, but then in the next he's annoyed and in 'Married' he's even absolutely horrified at the idea of her marrying him; and let's not forget Gerald practically swooping in to save Helga just as Cécile asks a stumped Arnold what is going on, because come on, Arnold was already in the clear! And he _did_ just keep watching when Helga chewed him out only one minute earlier) I've decided to see them out of order and just go with what feels natural.

Ja mata,  
らん


	3. Chapter 2: TheDayTheyCameToArrestTheBook

Arnold stepped out onto the roof. „Deep Voice!"

The figure in the trench coat started and turned around. „Don't come any closer. Ignore that man with the voice box."

„Who are you?" _'And why do I have this deep sense of déjà vu?'_

„Uh... No one in particular."

Arnold approached, Deep Voice trying to keep the distance by moving backwards toward the edge of the roof. „No more games, Deep Voice. I'm not doing anything until I know who you are." There was the sound of breaking wood and Deep Voice stumbled and fell to the ground, revealing himself to be Helga in disguise. „Helga?! You? You're Deep Voice?"

„Heh, heh. Looks..." Realizing the voice box was still on, she dropped it. „...like it."

Arnold was stumped. „But I don't get it. How come... How come you couldn't just tell me what you knew? Why did you have to make up this crazy secret identity?

„No reason." Helga swallowed nervously.„But Helga, you just risked everything to help me save the neighborhood."

„So, what's your point?" The girl shrugged her shoulders.

„It's a pretty amazing thing to do for somebody you claim to hate."

Her defensiveness obviously kicking in, she retorted: „Yeah, well, I'm a pretty amazing person, Football Head."

„But, I thought you were on your dad's side. I thought you were gonna get rich off the whole deal."

„Money isn't everything." was there a look of... hurt in her eyes?

Arnold crossed his arms over his chest. „Helga, why'd you do it?"

„It's my civic duty?"„Helga..."

„'cause I love a good mystery?"

„Oh, come on." He took a step forward, making her crawl away from him in... fright? _'Why in...?' _„Helga, I know you love me, I can tell. Or did you think I didn't notice all the things you've done for me in the past!?"

„Uh, I... that is..." The look of total and utter panic on her face lingered for one more moment, but then, suddenly vanished and her features softened in a way Arnold hadn't seen before, and she spoke in the airiest and most heavenly voice he could imagine: Yes, Arnold. I love you. I've always loved you since I can remember, and I will love you with all of my heart until the day that I die."

„That's good." Arnold smiled and helped her up. „I was hoping you would say that, because I have a confession, too." He took a deep breath, his smile only widening. „I love you, Helga G. Pataki. I have been loving you for a long time, but I didn't realize until just now."

„Oh, _Arnold_!" Helga wrapped her arms around his neck, pulled him close and locked her lips to hi-

„HEY ARNOLD! HEY ARNOLD! HEY ARNOLD! HE-"

* * *

**Operation: Helga**

**Chapter 2**

**The Day They Came to Arrest the Book**

* * *

Arnold pulled the wires out of the potato and rolled onto his back. _'A dream.'_ His brow furrowed. _'But why did it have to end now?'_ His eyes widened. _'I-I mean...'_ Although he was alone, Arnold pulled the covers over his head in shyness, and then sighed. _'Do I really lo-love her?'_ Deciding he wouldn't get the answer in bed, he pushed the covers back and stood up. After opening the skylight, he then went to his closet, but something made him stop in mid-shuffle. Was there a... little pink book lying half under his homework on his desk? He glanced up on his bookshelf. There was the pink book he had once found on the bus. _'Fascinating...'_

Quickly getting dressed, Arnold then proceeded to grab the item in question from the desk. On the cover there was a sticky note saying 'Sit down before opening' in purple ink. Deciding to heed the warning, he looked over to his couch, paused and then went to sit on his bed. As he opened the pink book, a folded-up letter fell out, bearing another sticky note. 'Are you really sitting, Football Head? And don't lie to me, I'd know!' The nine-year-old grinned and then unfolded the multi-page document before him, putting the pink book to the side for now:

_'Dear Arnold,_

_'since I professed my love to you and asked you to think about it - still, DON'T rush it! - I think it only fair to tell you everything there is to tell. I mean, thinking about it, I probably am the biggest loon on the planet, and I suppose you will think the same once you are through reading this letter._

_'Do you remember my first confession on the FTi rooftop? How I told you about 'building shrines to you in my closet'? All true. So far they have been made out of random junk, actual footballs, stuff you threw out, fruit and - this will sound kind of gross - your used gum._

_'If you have not dropped this letter yet or set it on fire, there is some more things I have to confess to. Worst comes first, so here goes nothing: Do you remember your especially strong streaks of bad luck you had on those last two Cheese Festivals? That would have been the green-eyed monster named Helga G. Pataki trying to sabotage you._

_'And that thing with having you play my boyfriend to make Lila jealous? Loopy me trying to win you over - worst thing is, my punishment came in the form of your creepy cousin Arnie telling me he loves me! By the way, thank you for helping me out of that, my altruistic little love god._

_'Sorry. Now stop blushing, we still have a lot to cover. Like the time I dropped out of the wall into your go kart meeting. Oh, you will laugh at me when I am finished, but I guess that serves me right._

_'I had been at the dentist, but instead of giving me the usual shot, he asked me if I wanted to try laughing gas. Worst idea EVER. After the treatment and still high on the stuff, I decided to call you from the dentist's waiting room and pour my heart out onto your answering machine. When I finally came to my senses, I double-timed it over to your house to try and get the tape. To get into your house, I - Well, let's just say this annoying Campfire Lass got what she had coming to her. Anyway, I already almost had my hands on the tape when suddenly you and all the guys minus Torvald decided to hold a meeting in the middle of your hallway. So I called Phoebe - first and last time I used a cellular phone, by the way - and she paid the Jolly Olly Man to give away free ice cream in front of the Boarding House. But just then your grandmother saw the answering machine blinking away and wrote all of my confession on a notepad. Luckily, just as she was about to tell you, she seems to have remembered who 'Helga' was and then told you some bogus about 'Helen of Troy' calling. Remind me to thank her for that. But I digress. So, when all of you had gone up to your room, I - did I mention I was in the air vents through all of that? Anyway, I climbed down, got the tape and then tried to find my way out through the ventilation system. When I found it - let's just say I stumbled and fell into your couch, effectively triggering the rotation and landing in the middle of you guys._

_'Ha ha, very funny. Now stop grinning, because there's one more thing: after I managed to leave (through the front door; why hadn't I thought of that earlier?), this annoyingly fake Scot and her friends chased me the whole four blocks to my house! Okay, nowyou can laugh. I know you want to! When you are done, we will see each other in the next paragraph._

_'Done yet? Fine, let the humiliation continue: So, that parrot my lizard ate? Big Bob's, and the poem was mine, duh! Looking back now, it IS kind of hysterical how dense you were with this one. I mean, really: "Have you seen my pa- Uh, my pair of roller skates?" Really? You bought that? And, seriously, a five-year-old could have guessed the only part you didn't hear:_

_'Arnold my love, my sultry preteen.  
Why must I hold you only whilst I dream?  
Will I forever be enslaved by your spell?  
Why must I worship you and never ever tell?  
Arnold, you make my girlhood tremble, my senses all go wacky;  
Some day I'll tell the world, my love, or my name's not **HELGA G. PATAKI**._

_'There, was that so hard? Sorry, just had to get that out of my system. Where were we? Ah yes, the time I broke Stinky's heart. I do not know if you even noticed, but I had a business arrangement with him to play my boyfriend so I could make you jealous. Poor fool developed a crush on me and went to you for advice. "HELGA PATAKI!?", remember? Funny thing with this story is, for a time there I was so desperate for affection I actually considered being his girlfriend as an option. Luckily, by the time I felt THIS forlorn, he had already been dating this girly-girl Gloria from fifth grade._

_'Speaking of desperate: Once I was so frustrated with myself for not being able to be nice to you for more than five seconds that I went to this place called 'Madame Blanche's Love Potions' and bought an 'Out-of-love potion' (grape juice, really, but I did not know that, then). After drinking it I was basically in denial of my feelings to the point I felt empty. It freaked me out. Big time! I mean, had Phoebe not come when I was on that bri - I got over it, okay? Back to my other escapades._

_'The time you found me and Phoebe standing on your fire escape in our pajamas? I sleepwalked at that time, and this had been the closest to you I had gotten, all that going for a week or so. By the way, tell Gertie that Eleanor said 'Hi' and that her Bacon & Eggs taste fantastic. Oh, and if she finds a child-sized pajama that is not yours - that would be mine._

_'That all the things I did to you and this hussy at the beach were out of jealousy should be clear by now. I really wanted to apologize, though, for stealing a kiss from you at that Babewatch shooting - and for the one at the school play. Speaking of which: Man, Lila really was a tough nut. The other three girls cracked almost immediately (I still feel kind of bad for what I did to Phoebe, though. You stupid Football Head give me a conscience, you know?), but Lila just would not back down. She was the first one to force me to admit my most intimately guarded secret - you. Heh, I don't think she took the death-threat seriously, but little Miss Perfect certainly never spilled._

_'That leaves only one thing I can think of right now, and I have to stress the following again: ARE YOU SITTING DOWN? Okay, fine then: I am the fake Cecile._

_'I am sorry, Arnold. I did not mean to ruin your Valentine's Day by making you spend time with me - I only thought you would never say yes if I just asked you to be my Valentine, so I 'amended' your pen pal's letter a little. I really am sorry._

_'Since you seem to still be reading, I hope this means you do not not ever want to see me again. I promise, I will make it up to you. I have no idea how, but I will._

_'The pink book I brought you is my newest full one. Read it and tell me it wasn't obvious who wrote this thing. I will even spell out for you what the page I ripped out of the other one read:_

_'H is for the head I'd like to punt_  
_E is for every time I see the little runt_  
_L is for longing for our firstest kiss (is that even a word?)_  
_G is for how go__od that longing is_  
_A is for Arnold (Of course. Duh!)_

_'Read the acronym. I mean, crimeny, you were already halfway through before I could stop you!_

_'Oh, and just so the Humiliation Conga is complete:_

_'Love,_  
_Helga Geraldine Pataki'_

Putting the letter down, Arnold, having turned a rosy colour not one page in, let out a breath, a small smile forming on his face. _'Wow, she really is in love with me.'_Then he stopped short, his eyes going wide. „Did she call grandma Gertie!?"

* * *

**Author's Notes:  
**Crimeny, FF dot net ruined my precious letter! Fine, anyone want to read the letter as it's supposed to be (registered users only!) PM me and I'll get you a PDF.

Now, before anyone calls 'Cerebus Retcon':  
I'm implementing as much from the show as I can, and that includes the Parent Bonus. To elaborate: what would a person, especially a nine-year-old with Helga's background, do when she loses the one good thing in her life? Any takers? Didn't think so.

Concerning Helga's mobile phone: correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I saw it at any time other than in 'Helga blabs it all', so I thought maybe a walkie-talkie like Azure129 gave her would be way cooler - especially if you take into account that with Phoebe's skills and Helga's resources they could easily extend the range quite a bit. _And_ it could make for a fun little revelation. Hmm...

Stumped by the chapter titles? *evil grin*

Ja mata,  
らん


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